Hard Decisions

I've been debating on whether or not I should make this post and discuss something so personal.  Since the beginning of the school year, I've had to make some tough decisions about what was best for my family and my career.  It seems like this is a year where a lot of teachers are struggling.  The demands seem to be increasing while the support and resources are decreasing.  I read a blog post yesterday from a sweet blogger {here} that touched my heart and encouraged me to tell you guys my story.

Many of you know my husband is a Marine, and we recently moved to Hawaii.  Being a Marine wife means we move pretty frequently.  It's part of the job description, but it can be super discouraging when I think about how it impacts my career.  Since we're moving so often, I can never reach tenure (if that's even available anymore) or have seniority.  I'm constantly starting over.  Just when I've hit my groove somewhere and made friends, we up and move again.

When we moved here last December, I did everything I could to find a job and find a job quick!  We landed here on Dec. 12th and on Dec. 26th I was offered a job that I accepted.  Unfortunately, there was a lot I didn't know about the school systems here in Hawaii.  I had said I would be willing to commute, but I didn't realize you have no transfer rights until you get tenure (at that time it took 4 semesters and 1 day to get tenure).  I wish I had known I was committing to commuting for 2 full years, because that would have been a huge factor in my decision.

Nevertheless, I accepted the job and gave it my best effort.  The situation wasn't ideal.  Picture a hoarders classroom with 2 teachers, 2 paras, and a Title 1 coordinator who had an office that took up about 1/4 of the classroom.   Take this picture and imagine it for an ENTIRE classroom.

That's what I walked into, and it was awful.  The clutter made my anxiety skyrocket and that was just by walking into the door. 

By the end of the school year, my husband and I spent hours and hours talking about whether I should resign.  However, resigning in Hawaii would mean I would have to do the ENTIRE hiring process over.  I would have had to resubmit all of my transcripts, references, licenses, etc. and go through the DOE initial interview over again.  Then they would release my name back out to the principals, and I'd hope for the best.  In Hawaii, you can't just apply to a school and no job openings are listed online.  

After a lot of discussion, thought, and pro/con lists, I made the decision to go back to my school for this school year.  I spent all summer stressing about it.  I was able to move into my own classroom, and I was hoping that would make a world of difference.

Being in my own room was helpful, but there were a lot of other issues.  My case load was pretty intense with some very high needs students.  There were a couple of students who were physically aggressive, and I felt like I was getting beat up everyday.

I felt like I was getting beat up, because I was.  There was hitting, kicking, spitting, and biting like this bite up above.  It was mentally draining and exhausting.  My admin provided support and were aware of what was going on with the high needs students.  They were present and did a great job of giving me aides to help.  More bodies in the room didn't fix the problem though.  Maybe another teacher could have done better than me, but I honestly feel like the real issue was whether some of the students were in the right placement.

However, I can say it wasn't enough for me.  All of my energy, (physically, emotionally, and mentally) was being sucked out of me everyday.  On Friday evenings, I was dreading going back to work on Monday.  I wasn't able to be here for my own kids and be a good mom to them due to everything I was dealing with at work.  My marriage was suffering, too.

Since my husband is a Marine, he has a lot of expectations for his job (deployments, training, overnight duties, long hours, etc.).  With my commute and long hours, he was picking up a lot of slack with the kids.  Honestly, my job was keeping him from being the best Marine he can be.  And that's just not right.  Not that my job isn't important, but in the scheme of our family, his job is the most important.  

My husband and I had a long talk and realized that I just couldn't do it anymore.  He needs to be able to  fulfill all of his job responsibilities without my job interfering.  I need to be present and available for my own kids.  I need to take of me, too.  In the spirit of honesty, I'll say that the situation in that classroom was not allowing me to be the best teacher I can be.  I have never wanted to be THAT teacher.  The teacher who doesn't enjoy her students.  The teacher who hates going to work.  The teacher who feels like she accomplishes nothing.  But I was feeling like THAT teacher.

I ended up taking a leave of absence for the rest of the year.  Ultimately, it was just impossible to take care of my family and work in that school.  My husband could no longer take the kids to school, pick them up from school, do their homework, pick them up when they were sick, etc., etc. due to his job.  But more importantly, I couldn't emotionally or mentally do it anymore.  

During all of our decision making, I read this awesome article {here} that really made an impression on me.  One of the quotes states, 

"A teacher who thrives in one particular situation might not thrive in another. Teachers are most successful and happy when they work in the subject, school, context, and communities that best fit them."

I wasn't thriving this year and no way could my students thrive in that situation.  I wasn't sure whether I should post this or not.  But I wanted other teachers in these same shoes to know, it's ok to put yourself and your family first.  As a teacher, it's my nature to give everything I have to my students.  Being a perfectionist doesn't help either.  It was incredibly hard for me to say that this isn't working and I have to put my family first.  It was also nice to know that others had made the same decision.  You can read another teacher's story {here}. 

Looking back, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this was the right decision.  My family is back on track.  My husband doesn't want to divorce me anymore.  ;)  My kids are happy.  And even better, I just started a part-time intervention teaching position for 3rd graders!  I'm still able to teach, but it's in a way that's feasible for my family.

For those teachers that are struggling, my heart goes out to you.  I know I'm fortunate, because I was able to take a leave of absence and many other do not have that option.  I hope those of you that are struggling are able to find a support system for you.  Maybe that support system isn't going to be in your school, but I hope you have one.  Know that you are a good teacher.  Maybe this isn't the best teaching situation for you at this exact moment, but it doesn't define you.